Back to Vulnerability

IMG_2125
See – I’m Okay

Earlier today I began writing my #blog with the excitement of sharing my #Houston experiences over the last couple of weeks. However, I didn’t get very far because something just didn’t feel right. Perhaps because there’s something else on my mind and in my heart. I wasn’t quite sure what it was but then I picked up a #book (well technically opened my iBooks app) and read the introduction to The Universe Has Your Back. Just the introduction alone hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s odd how the fear to turn the pages struck me instantly, but it’s not a fear that I can’t push past. I’m intrigued to be honest. I’m not really into self help books or books that are extremely spiritual; however, I’m going to delve into what the author has to offer.

I know I have referred to my entry about Vulnerability on more than one occasion and again, I’m back at that place. The introduction to that book made me think of how far I’ve not come to being as vulnerable as I need to be. I know the importance of being vulnerable to truly experience life, yet it’s not easy. Many know me, or perceive me as a strong, independent woman who wouldn’t stand for many things. I’ve recently been referred to as an elitist. That one makes me laugh – if only they knew. Does any of that sound vulnerable? But honestly, I am a woman who wants to be loved and cared for like any other woman. As a matter of fact, I’m sure most women who are perceived as I am would desire the same. I don’t always want to lead or be in a

Me as a kid
My younger self

position of power or perceived power. Learning to allow someone to open the door or pay for my tab or pump my gas or run an errand for me…Yes, learning because it has been me doing it all for as long as I can remember. It’s not that I’m this person to be feared or revered, it’s that I’ve not been loved in a way that’s meaningful to me. I’ve been the giver and to become the receiver feels terribly uncomfortable even though my primary love language is Acts of Service (read The Five Love Languages if you haven’t). Going back to being vulnerable; apparently I still have a long way to go.

Do you ever wonder what your #dreams mean? I have vivid dreams and I often remember every detail of my dreams. I recently had one in which I encountered my younger self. I was about 4 years old wearing a little white dress that I have seen me wear in old family photos. My adult self was very excited to see my younger self but I was a bit nervous. We embraced and I was eager to learn what I could from her. The first thing I asked her was, “So do we ever get married again?”. She shook her head and said, “Sadly, no.” When I woke up, I was a little disappointed. I wondered if “we” never got married again because I couldn’t get past the “fear of being loved” – as discussed in the introduction to the book I just read. However I had to remind myself that marriage doesn’t equal love and it doesn’t equal happiness. My goodness, I’m the last person who should need to be reminded of that. Perhaps that was the purpose of the dream: be vulnerable, have no fear and let go – the right kind of love will find me.

Okay, so I know I sound all sappy and lonely and all of that…but I’m not. I’m okay and am just reflecting on the need to again, be connected. Yeah, I wrote a blog about that too.

IMG_3252
Jamie, Me, Emily

Anyway, I have to give a special shout out to Amber Shoebridge. Amber has been my go to friend for book recommendations. She has never steered me wrong and there’s nothing I love more than to discuss books with an avid reader. Now I have another friend Jamie Marthaler who has began the recommendations as well. Thank you to both of you ladies for enriching my life through the gift of words. I admire and respect you both for many reasons and your insight into what I need when it comes to books breathes life into me.

Enough of this sappy stuff. Next entry will include my night on the town that ended with a ride on a SWEET #Harley!

Until next time my friends…living life & it’s good.

#Books to #read: Love Warrior, Life’s Little DetourThe Universe Has Your Back, The 5 Love Languages

2 thoughts on “Back to Vulnerability”

  1. Just reading this has made me question my #vulnerability level! Thanks for sharing. I’m adding those #books to my wish list.

    Like

  2. It’s so surprising to me how life’s twists and turns brings me back to my childhood state of mind. I would love to ask my inner child questions.(in response to your dream).I too am a giver and even though I’m connected, I’m disconnected from the feeling of security, true ❤️, and just the small things in life. Thank you for allowing me to enter your life at this pivotal time in mine.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s